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| Whoever Invented That Word Obviously Didn't Have Any Fashion Sense |
| 06.21.07 (4:45 pm) [edit] |
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Sometimes I feel like I need an accountant or budgeting software to control my out of control spending when it comes to necessities like butter pecan ice cream, maple walnut ice cream, black olives, any kind of backless shoes, books by Mary Higgins Clark, cute clothes, etc. I hate budgeting! Whoever invented that word obviously didn't have any fashion sense, good taste in books and had a lousy palate. P.S. They also obviously had an abundance of body hair, had a lot of dandruff and had feet fungus.
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| Paris Hilton is learning many new things in the slammer! |
| 06.20.07 (4:47 pm) [edit] |
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Now that Paris Hilton is behind bars, there are a lot of new things that she is learning how to do including: tying her own shoelaces, wiping her own rich ass, using various tools in a truck toolbox to repair all of the dents in her cars, eating crow, learning how to act like a regular everyday person instead of like a rich pampered talentless damn fool, how to buy clothes online at Kmart, how to clean a nasty-ass toilet and how to cook a meal in 30 minutes for 200 women. |
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| Jiggle bells, jiggle bells, jiggle all the way! |
| 06.20.07 (4:36 pm) [edit] |
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In this great big world of ours, I think that it would be heaven if people like a realtor could be "real" with you or in other words, "tell you the truth" about how things really are. For example, The realty company is charging you an exorbitant amount of money for the house that you are buying because the president of the company likes living in a sixteen room mansion, driving a brand-new ferrari and having a nineteen-year-old bleached auburn-haired girlfriend with a pair of 88 double D breast implants jiggling around the house. |
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| America Needs More Insurance! |
| 06.20.07 (4:18 pm) [edit] |
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If you ask me, I think that insurance companies should have other options besides child insurance, home owner's insurance or personal injury insurance. I think that there should also be cute insurance for good-looking people, bad-ass insurance for tough people who wear leather jackets, bad breath insurance for those people with stinky mouth, Tanya Tucker insurance for those people who like Gretchen Wilson music and Michael Jackson insurance for those people who love plastic surgery and everything plastic. |
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| Kids Bedding Has Come A Long Way Baby! |
| 06.20.07 (4:00 pm) [edit] |
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Kids bedding sure has come a long way baby since I was a kid! I remember going to departments stores back in the seventies and seeing kids bedding with pictures of Wonder Woman, the Bionic Woman, Snoopy & Woodstock, Charlie Brown, the Incredible Hulk, Spiderman and Superman. Nowadays I see kids bedding with pictures of Paris Hilton, Jessica Alba, Britney Spears and Angelina Jolie. Kids bedding sure has come a long way baby! Unfortunately not for the better! But at least teenage boys have something to smile about! |
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| Three Surefire Ways to Get Rid of a Bad Date, Fast! |
| 06.09.07 (4:38 pm) [edit] |
Three Surefire Ways to Get Rid of a Bad Date, Fast!Gals, have you ever been out on a first date with what you thought, at the time, was the man of your dreams? For the first fifteen minutes of your first date, did you feel like you were the luckiest woman alive? Did you feel like you were floating on air? Then three hours later, you realize that the guy sitting across from you isn’t the man of your dreams, but just another loser in a long line of them that you always seem to attract. To make matters worse, at the beginning of the date you invited him to come back to your place for coffee. Now what do you do! Gals, relax because help is here. Below are three surefire ways to get rid of a bad date fast. To read more of this article, click on Dating Tips at the Datechest Blog.
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| Happy Valentine's Day, FROG FACE! |
| 06.09.07 (4:06 pm) [edit] |
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Setting: This scene takes place at Jenny Pattison's house. Jenny is a 9 year old girl. Mike Miller, a 9 year old boy and a classmate of Jenny's, walks up to her door and jabs the doorbell. His mother accompanies him, she is standing a few feet away. A few seconds later, Jenny opens the door and smiles. This makes Mike mad. He throws the card at her. Jenny quickly catches it. Before she can even open the envelope, Mike speaks. (Hawaii vacation packages are perfect for Valentine's Day!) Characters: Mike, Jenny and Mike's Mother Script: "Here!" Mike says. (Mike gestures to his mother.) "My mom says I gotta' give you this card for Valentine's Day, but let's get something straight! I don't LOVE you or anything! To be honest, I don't even like you!" (Hawaii vacation packages are perfect for Valentine's Day!) "Mike's Motto is....Girls are for hittin' not kissin'!" "Happy Valentine's Day, FROG FACE!!!!" (Mike turns and stalks away. Mike's mother sighs loudly, then shakes her head. Jenny smiles, then blows a kiss to Mike's retreating back. She waves goodbye to Mike's mom and then closes the door.) (Hawaii vacation packages are perfect for Valentine's Day!) |
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| Are You Going To Hire Somebody On Craigslist To Wash Your *ick For You Too! | ||
| 06.07.07 (5:15 pm) [edit] | ||
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| Here Are Some Lyrics That Shania Twain Would Love! |
| 06.07.07 (4:56 pm) [edit] |
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Comedy Skit Title: MDS Masculine Deodorant Spray, a parody of FDS Feminine Deodorant Spray (Male actor/comedian sings the following jingle while holding up a fake can of MDS Masculine Deodorant Spray) LYRICS: I love my MDS Masculine Deodorant Spray It keeps my penis fresh and stinky odor away I spray it on my penis and underwear, one-two-three sometimes four times a day So I can feel clean fresh and confident throughout the day Yes that's my beloved second deodorant, my MDS Masculine Deodorant Spray So fellas, go out and buy yourselves a can of it today So you can feel the same way I feel everyday Lighthearted and extremely GAY Because I use MDS Masculine Deodorant Spray on my penis, oh yes, on my penis everyday MAN, I FEEL LIKE A WOMAN (Once the male actor/comedian finishes singing the jingle, he can then play a portion of the song, MAN, I FEEL LIKE A WOMAN by Shania Twain and basically start dancing around like a lunatic while at the same time singing along with Shania and spraying a fake can of MDS Masculine Deodorant Spray on his penal area, in the air, on his clothes, on other actors penal areas, on studio audience members, etc.) P.S. If the fake MDS Masculine Deodorant Spray that was sprayed onto your skin breaks you out try skinceuticals to clear it up.
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| DEAR KNOWLEDGEABLE |
| 06.07.07 (4:41 pm) [edit] |
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Dear Knowledgeable: I've known "Anita" for 10 years and thought we were close. But eight months ago, I started a small business selling handcrafted jewelry, and last week, Anita informed me that she is going to start selling handcrafted jewelry, too. I am fuming that this so-called "friend" would go into competition with me. Please advise me. -- Not Pleased in North Dakota Dear North Dakota: Reality check, you don't own the patent on the handcrafted jewelry business. If Anita wants to sell handcrafted jewelry that is her right as an American citizen just as it is yours. You'll just have to be a grown-up entrepreneur and accept the fact that you'll have lots of competition in the handcrafted jewelry business and some of it may be from your friends. Since I don't know you or Anita at all, I don't know if she is really your friend or simply an old acquaintance. Only you and Anita know the answer to this question. In the mean time, avoid sharing with Anita any jewelry designs or marketing plans for your business, keep "business talk" light just in case she's not on the up and up. Don't forget to thank Anita for giving you the heads up about her going into the handcrafted jewelry business and wish her the best. (A sign of a true business professional! Another sign of a business professional is to have business cards with your handcrafted jewelry company's info on them.) I know that this may be hard but try to put a positive spin on the situation. Don't think of Anita starting her own handcrafted jewelry business as a sign of betrayal instead be proud of the fact that your jewelry was so beautiful and unique that it actually inspired another individual to follow in your footsteps. And regardless of whether Anita is a friend or foe, "business is business" which means that you are going to blow her handcrafted jewelry business and her enterprising ass out of the water and make her regret the day that she decided to go into competition with you! (Just remember to adhere to your personal standards and be civil about it.) |
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