Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale, a tale of a fateful trip that started from this tropic port abord this tiny ship. The mate was a mighty sailing man, the Skipper brave and sure. Five passengers set sail that day for a three hour tour... a three hour tour. The weather started getting rough, the tiny ship was tossed, if not for the courage of the fearless crew the Minnow would be lost. The ship struck shore on the shore of this uncharted desert isle. With Gilligan, The Skipper too. The millionaire, and his wife. The movie star, the Professor and Mary Ann, Here on Gilligan's Isle.  I always wondered if the millionaire and his wife, the movie star, the professor and Mary Ann all regretted having Gilligan and the Skipper crew the Minnow.  I always wondered if they would have taken advantage of multiple crewed yacht charters would they have been stuck on that island with a never-ending supply of coconut milk for all of those years.  Part of me wishes that I didn't wonder about such stupid things so much.

Here is a safety tip for all of you Non-Iowans out there.  If you are going to Adventureland which is an amusement park in Altoona Iowa and are going to ride the "Silly Silo" which is a ride that spins guests around in a large cylinder as they become stuck to the walls while the floor drops out, don't take any Red Bull before you get on this ride!  Take it from somebody who has ridden this ride, nobody wants to see a person upchuck at 100 mph all over the place unless you are Linda Blair!

I always wondered what the outcome of the movie, 9 to 5 which starred Jane Fonda, Lily Tomlin and Dolly Parton would have been if they would have had modern technology like budgeting software from Phophix.  Would they have still had such animosity towards their sexist pig boss which was played beautifully by Dabney Coleman if they had the ability to email, text-message and fax all of the hard work that Dabney Coleman took credit for.  I'm hoping that the sequel to 9 to 5 will clear up these questions.

In the golden era of Hollywood when an actress slept with a producer or director as a favor in exchange for a movie role it was called the "casting couch."  Nowadays when this happens it's called the "sleeper sofa."  In honor of these actresses, Club Furniture has named sleeper sofas after them.  On this website you will find the Brooke Sleeper Sofa, the Kate Sleeper Sofa, the Elizabeth Sleeper Sofa, the Olivia Sleeper Sofa, the Reese Sleeper Sofa, the Parker Sleeper Sofa and the Hayden Sleeper Sofa. 

With Easter 2007 coming up in less than two weeks, you had better start baking or making gifts for the kids Easter baskets.  Here are some fun catholic gifts for the kids.  Try baking and making some mini hot-cross cinnamon buns or chocolate-covered pretzels in the shape of a cross or angel food cupcakes with a picture of Baby Jesus on them.  Happy Easter and bon appetite kiddies!

When me and my friends hear the word "retreat"  we don't think of places where we can go for some peace and quiet, i.e. a couple of private Villas in Italy.  Instead we picture tables and tables of chocolate bon-bons, cheesecakes, banana creme pies or ice cream sandwiches that we are required to eat over and over again.  I don't know about you but I like my definition of "retreat" better than Merriam-Webster's Dictionary. 

Rumor has it that Tori Spelling and her crazy-ass mom, Candy Spelling are trying to patch up the rift between them in lieu of the kid she just gave birth to recently.   Hey Tori, instead of trying to patch things up in the public eye, try patching them up in secret (ya' know, something that normal poor people do) at this New York bed and breakfast.   And Tori, in the future if you buy another bed and breakfast, (Tori just bought a bed and breakfast in California that she named Chateau LaRue where her and her idiot husband will star in a reality tv series that is destined to be cancelled after three episodes) don't name it after your dog because it only guarantees that your business will go bankrupt within a year!  Also Tori, even though you just gave birth to a boy and named him after your famous father, your mom is still not going to share with you the 500 million dollars that she inherited from your father, Aaron Spelling.  Sorry, fake and talentless plastic angel.

Here's a tip for all of you accountants out there hell-bent on ruining your life:  When it's time to buy some new financial reporting software for your computer for the upcoming tax season, don't b uy it from a reputable company like MicroSoft or Prophix, do the incredibly stupid, cheap and career-ending thing and buy your financial reporting software from a lame-ass company that you can find in the back of any National Enquirer issue.  Trust me, you'll be glad that you did and  your colleagues at work will be glad that you did too because they will receive an unexpected promotion after you get fired for incompetence.  

If you are a 36-year-old man who doesn't know how to swim but nevertheless has a birthday coming up and would like to treat himself, you might want to forget about a deep sea diving expedition to the ocean floor or a Caribbean yacht charter.  Instead try doing something more your speed by going down to the nearest amusement park and find the kiddie rides.  I just know that there is a tug boat with a 36-year-old man who can't swim name on it.  

If you are driving 90 mph on a busy freeway and all of a sudden your ladder detaches from the ladder rack installed on your car roof, FOR GOD'S SAKE, DON'T LEAVE IT! GO BACK AND GET IT! I know that it can be so frustrating for a driver when a ladder detaches from their ladder rack on the freeway that all you want to say is "SCREW IT" and leave the ladder behind, but that is not the safest or smartest thing to do. I know that alot of you out there are asking, "WHY?" What concerns me is that if you have to ask why you can't leave a ladder on a busy freeway, then you have no business driving a car in the first place. The reason why you can't leave a ladder on a busy freeway is that it could lead to fatal accidents which I think would be pretty obvious to even the stupidest person on earth.

Here is a metabolism booster tip: If you are trying to boost your metabolism, consider doing some cardiovascular exercises like riding a stationary bike or walking on a treadmill for two miles a day to some music recorded by Jennifer Love Hewitt. Doing this guarantees that you will burn an exorbitant amount of calories and fat each day primarily due to fact that you are trying to get the workout over with as quickly as possible so that you don't have to hear this big-breasted woman who had no business playing Audrey Hepburn sing any longer than you have to. Man, this chick can't sing! I wish somebody would clue her in on how bad she is.

Regardless of whether you are a heartbreaker, dream maker or love taker, don't mess around with Pat Benatar's yard markers if you want to live to see your next birthday! This 80's rocker chick full of piss and vinegar don't take no crap when it comes to her pink flamingo yard markers. So, i'm telling you not to mess around with Pat Benatar's yard markers, NO! NO! NO!

I think America should enact a new law. The new law should state that on daylight savings time only grandfathers can set the time on a grandfather clock. The reason why this law should be enacted is that I don't see any mother, father, sister, brother, aunt, uncle or grandmother clocks out there. If grandfathers are going to receive preferential treatment when it comes to clocks then they should be the ones responsible for setting the correct time on a grandfather clock on daylight savings time. After all, it's only fair!

A tip for the guys:  Do you want to impress the girls on Halloween? If so, be smart and rent your sexy Halloween costume early like this San Diego Tooth Fairy did.  With a little more than seven months until October 31st, it's not too early to do this.  Guys, remember that if you wait until the last minute you won't get that sexy chambermaid or tooth fairy costume that all the women will be drooling over instead you'll be stuck with a Pee Wee Herman costume that all of the men will be drooling over.