On the season finale of VH1’s hit reality tv show, Celebrity Fit Club, lame comedienne, Sommore flashed her boobs “girls gone wild style” to her castmates after finally facing her fears and climbing a “tree house style” obstacle course.

I mean, don’t get me wrong, i’m all for a person facing and conquering their fears but couldn’t this lame comedienne find a more classy way to celebrate it other than getting nasty and flashing her knockers.

To finish reading the rest of my article please click on No More Sommore!

Kevin Costner was Whitney Houston’s bodyguard and she said that she would always love him!

So Hillary, John and Barack whichever one of you guys or girl wins the presidential election, do yourselves a favor and spread the love!

Give this psycho-supermodel-chick a job as your personal bodyguard.

Because people, let’s face it, this chick is only a stone’s throw away from getting designer-booted from the modeling industry and every cellphone store on the planet.

Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!

To continue reading the rest of my article please click on Naomi The Bodyguard!

Hey Barack, Hillary and John!

Shut your hole and quit bellyachin’!

When am I gonna’ hear you bozos address the important issues affecting America.

And yes, i’m talkin’ about those damn “kid leashes!”

By the way, my name is Kenny and i’m 4 years old!

Ya’ wanna’ make somethin’ of it?

I’m not happy to meet you cause’ i’m pissed off!

The reason why is that all of the big-wig politicians out there are so “concerned” about war, poverty and A.I.D.S.

When the hell are these bozos gonna’ address a real problem?

And yes, i’m talkin’ about those damn “kid leashes!”

To finish reading the rest of my article please click on Kid Leashes!

STEP 1: Sign up to be on a reality tv show. Preferably on VH-1 reality tv show, i.e. Celebrity Fit Club, even though you really don’t need to lose any weight.

P.S. Erin Moran is about 124 pounds! Big woo, honey! You’re still a skinny heifer! You must need the money bad! The rent must be due!

At this time, I would like to send a shout out to washed up 70’s sitcom star, Erin Moran of Happy Days! Girl, where in the hell have you been for the last 24 years! I guess things haven’t been.....................

Sunday, Monday, Happy Days.
Tuesday, Wednesday, Happy Days.
Thursday, Friday, Happy Days.
The weekend comes,
My cycle hums,
Ready to race to you.
These days are all,
Happy and Free. (Those Happy Days)

To finish reading the rest of my article please click on Erin Moran! 

Okay, like, Barack Obama said like the people in rural Pennsylvania are bitter and angry.

Which was like sooo totally lame!

But I like forgive him because he’s such a total hunk!

He’s so tubular! Omigod!

And his wife, Michelle like totally said for the first time in her adult life, she was proud of her country.

Which was like so grody to the max!

But I like totally forgive her because her husband is such a total hunk!

He’s so tubular! Omigod!

Okay, I have to stop this right now. I mean, I love the 80’s but it’s time to say goodbye to my “valley girl” voice and the 80’s and move on from this retro reminising.

Besides it’s giving me a headache! (Or it could be the Olivia Newton-John headband that I am wearing around my head that could be giving me the headache. But I digress.)

To finish reading the rest of this article click on Shut Your Yap! 

Hey, it worked for American Idol castoffs, Chikezie and Michael Johns!

And quite frankly, if it can work for those losers with vocal talent it sure as hell can work for a Republican with no vocal talent.

At this time, I would like to send a shout out to “Republican with no vocal talent” John McCain. Sorry, dog! You just would never make the cut on American Idol.

To read the rest of this article please click on Tongue Daddy!

Hey, party people!
Instablogs is the place to be, ho!

By the by, when I say the word “ho”, I am not referring to hooker, Ashley Dupre, i’m referring to the name Pimp Daddy Eliot Spitzer calls out when he comes inside Ashley Dupre, “ho!”

Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!

To read the rest of my article please click on Ho! 

BE AFRAID! BE VERY AFRAID!

And pity the fool candidate without a mohawk who decides to come up against this scrappy Democratic beyotch.

At this time I would like to send a shout out to “pity the fool candidate without a mohawk,”
Barack Obama.

Hey Obama, don’t you wish your hair was hot like Mr. T’s?

Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!

To read more of this article click on Democratic Beyotch. 

Mildly successful character actor, Fred Thompson just proves the old adage, “don’t be a stupid-ass and leave your well-paying day job for another job when you have absolutely no chance in hell of getting that job, i.e. becoming the 44th president of the United States.”

To read more of this article please click on "Fred Thompson for President? I don't think so!" 

Love Song lyrics by Sara Bareilles 

I'm not gonna write you a love song
'cause you asked for it
'cause you need one, you see
I'm not gonna write you a love song
'cause you tell me it's
Make or break in this
If you're on your way
I'm not gonna write you to stay
If all you have is leavin',
Imma need a better reason
To write you a love song today (today)

I just don't understand it.  Why can't she write him a love song because he asked for one or because he needs one.  Those seem like good enough reasons.  I'll tell ya' that Sara Bareilles is one selfish bitch!  Hey honey, write the man a damn love song already!  Jeez! 

With the 2008 presidential election only a couple of months away, I wonder if there is still time for a major controversy to arise like the “Cop Killer” controversy did back in 1992 that either the Democratic nominee or the Republican nominee can latch onto and take advantage of.

To read more of this article please click on the link below.

"Cop Killer" Controversy

Question: Do you think the new president should take his or her ass to church?
Please let me know what you think.

To read an article on the subject please click on the link below.

Please Mr. or Madam President, go to church!

If Eliot Spitzer were an older female having an extramarital affair with a hot young guy half her age, he probably would still be in office.

To read more of this story please click on the link below.

Adultery is sooo in baby!

Number 10: If you are a White person and don’t vote for him, basically you are a racist.

Number 4: If he catches you buying a can of green olives at the supermarket basically you are a racist because you didn’t do the Reverend Jeremiah “Wright” thing and buy the black olives.

To read the rest of this article please click on the following link.

Al Sharpton is sooo gross! 

But I digress.

To read more of this article please click on the link below.

Bill Clinton would make a mighty fine First Lady and you know it!

Number Four: Once a year while baking St. Patrick's Day cookies you get to hear your 80 year old grandmother sing the song, 'I Smell Sex and Candy' while her nasty false teeth and humongous left boob repeatedly fall into the Bailey's Irish Cream infused cookie dough. To read the rest of the list please click on the link below.

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Thanks to Your Wife's Stupidity You're Going Down Obama! To read more of this blog post please click on the following link.  http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/631583/thanks _for_calling_the_campaign _headquarters.html" title="http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/631583/thanks _for_calling_the_campaign _headquarters.html" target="_blank"http://www.associatedcontent....

An automatic sink is a sink fitted in a public restroom. It uses a motion-sensing valve to detect the user's hands moving beneath the faucet. It then turns the water on. It turns the water off when the user moves his or her hands from under the faucet. 

(Am I the only person who has to wave their hands back and forth under the faucet or in front of the motion-sensor 100 times before any water comes out of an automatic sink?  No offense, give me a regular sink or wash basin anyday!) 

An automatic toilet is a toilet fitted in a public restroom. It uses a motion-sensing valve to detect the user's bottom moving above the seat. It then flushes when the user moves his or her bottom away from the seat.

(Am I the only person whose automatic toilet won't flush under any circumstances when there is another person waiting to use it right after me?  No offense, give me a regular toilet or coffee can anyday!) 

I have to say that in some cases, modern technology isn't necessarily a good thing but rather an annoying and time-consuming thing! 

Dating Tips for Men and Women (Tip Number 18)

A Tip For Guys Only!

Hey guys, did you ever take a date out to a restaurant and an hour later you knew that the girl was not for you so you decide to do the gentlemanly thing and dump her and dump her ass fast but you were stumped on how to do it?

Guys relax, because help is here! I'm gonna' tell you two surefire ways how to dump a girl in a restaurant, fast!

SUREFIRE WAY NUMBER 2: Guys, excuse yourself and go to the women's restroom and buy a sanitary napkin from the dispenser. Guys relax, if any women in the restroom object to you being in there simply tell them that you are not a pervert, tell them you are a nice heterosexual man buying a sanitary napkin for himself for his birthday. No woman can object to that! But just in case, guys be sure to get the hell out of there as fast as you can before they call the police! Next, go to the men's restroom and slowly take off the strip of paper covering the adhesive strip of the sanitary napkin then stick the sanitary napkin onto the back of your shoe. Guys you might also want to stick a few sheets of toilet paper onto the sanitary napkin just to make the sanitary napkin look more pretty. After you're finished, exit the men's restroom. Guys, as you approach your table start yelling, "Look at the sanitary napkin on my shoe! Look at the sanitary napkin on my shoe! Look at the sanitary napkin on my shoe!" Guys by the time you sit back down at your table your date will be gone! Eazy breezy!

But guys, if that method doesn't work then try the granddaddy of girl dumping, surefire way number 1.

SUREFIRE WAY NUMBER 1: Guys, again excuse yourselves from the table and sneak out of the restaurant and go to the nearest store that you can find and buy a tube of Vaseline Petroleum Jelly, a mirrored compact, a Melissa Manchester 8-track tape and a portable 8-track tape player. Trust me guys you'll have no problem finding these items! After buying the items hurry back to the restaurant. Guys, if your date asks you what's in the bag, tell her it's a surprise. Guys, after eating your meal take the items out of the bag and put them onto the table. Open the mirrored compact and apply an excessive amount of Vaseline Petroleum Jelly onto your lips. Guys while you are primping in the mirror pop the Melissa Manchester tape into the 8-track player. Once the song, "Don't Cry Out Loud" begins to play, sing the lyrics of the song as loud as you possibly can especially the chorus. Just in case you don't know the chorus of "Don't Cry Out Loud" by heart, and you really should, I have included it below.

"Don't cry out loud" "Just keep it inside" "Learn how to hide your feelings" "Fly high and proud" "And if you should fall" "Remember you almost had it all"

Guys, while the song is still playing, set the mirrored compact and Vaseline onto the table, get up, take your date in your arms and start dancing with her. Next, plant a big greasy kiss onto her startled lips and continue singing as loud as you can. Guys, once your date starts screaming for help, release her and watch her haul ass to the nearest exit.

Guys, before you leave the restaurant be sure to order a glass of champagne to celebrate a girl dumping job well done!

"What's up with all of these toothpaste companies making "sensitive" toothpaste or toothpaste for "sensitive" teeth?  I mean can somebody tell me when our teeth became such wimps!  Before you use "sensitive" toothpaste do you have to take some kind of sensitivity training so that you don't offend it?  If you use "sensitive" toothpaste how do you get it out of the tube?  I don't think that you're allowed to squeeze it.  Do you have to talk to the "sensitive" toothpaste in a nice soothing voice and hope that it will come out of the tube?  Can people who just had a nervous breakdown use "sensitive" toothpaste?  In other words, is Britney Spears allowed to go near it?"

Do you want to learn how to get rid of a silly hangover?

If so, click on the link below.

I feel good, sooo good, I got you!

Hey romance writers or anybody else reading this post, do you want to learn how to write a manuscript that men will actually read?  If so, click on the link below.

Show me the romance money!

Hey guys, do you want to learn some ways how to get your nosy, meddling mother-in-law to shut up?

If so, click on the link below.

Ahhh, peace and quiet at last!

Hey!  Are you planning on taking a vacation soon?  Are you and your family members arguing over where to go?  Are you having trouble deciding if you should get some travel insurance?  Do you need some knowledgeable professional help?  If so, try loging onto Tripology.com which is  a new website aimed at connecting you with travel agents that specialize in the type of trip that you wish to take.  Tripology is a free service that offers travelers the opportunity to submit a trip request and get connected with at least three travel professionals that can help them achieve their travel goals.  So, what are you waiting for?  Logon to Tripology.com today and start making plans for the vacation or trip of your dreams!  

First gals, put on a nurse costume. 

If you don't have one there is this cool online website called Angelbodywear that sells them. CAUTION:  These costumes are "hot stuff" as Donna Summer would say!  And Gals, once your guy see you in one of these sexy nurses costumes from Angelbodywear boy oh boy will he want to love to love you baby!  To view these "hot stuff" costumes, please click on Angelbodywear's Sexy Halloween Costumes.

Second, answer the door then pretend to look angry.

Britney Spears went there and so did Lindsay Lohan. Mel Gibson did too and I even think that Rip Torn went there to cure himself of his embarrassing arrest or whatever the reason was.

Yep, it's celebrity rehab!

And there's another person who has joined the club: Say hello to the no talent beefcake star of Desperate Housewives, ya' know the show that was hot for a micro minute but now is dead man walkin', Jesse Metcalfe. He recently entered a drug rehabilitation program in California. Hopefully Jesse will get the help that he needs to cure his addiction and hopefully one of the network executives in the drug rehabilitation program with him will offer him a cheesy spot on one of their movie's of the week since Desperate Housewives is almost history. Thank God! I'm so sick of that show!

Let’s face it, we live in a nasty world, and there are alot of nasty girls out there who like to do freaky-deaky things like videotaping themselves having oral sex with a nasty boy. I’m here to say that there is absolutely nothing wrong with this, however if you are a nasty girl who does this you had better make sure that the videos of your sexcapades are kept under lock and key at Fort Knox or some other high-security place like that where nobody can get to them, if not you are asking for trouble with a capital “T!”

Thanks to the internet generation that we currently live in once these videotapes are made public they have the power of a level 5 tornado. They can destroy anything in its path like your career, reputation, marriage, relationships, sanity, etc.

Nasty girls, when it comes to oral sex there is only one method that, excuse the expression, “doesn’t leave a bad taste in your mouth.” The method that I am referring to is audiotape recording. So for you Tommy Lee and Pamela Anderson, Paris Hilton and Rick Solomon wannabes out there instead of videotaping your sexcapades, try audiotaping them instead. Below are some benefits of this method of “oral sex.”

-You and your partner can be as loud and nasty as you want to be without overexposing yourselves, i.e. on an audiotape nobody can see your penis or vagina.

-Audiotapes of your sexcapades require lower security than a videotape but you still might want to keep them under lock and key at a place like Fort Knox although a good safe or lockbox will do.

-If the audiotape is lost or stolen and makes its way into the public eye like onto the internet, I have to be honest and say that it will most likely be very embarrassing for you because anybody with access to the internet will be able to hear the sounds of your lovemaking and your “dirty talk,” however it will be less embarrassing and far less damaging than a videotape.

-And if worse comes to worse, an individual can always lie and say that the voice on an embarrassing audiotape that has been made public is not theirs and say that it is another individual’s who happens to sound just like them since there are no images or pictures.

So nasty girls, do the smart thing when it comes to “oral sex” and think with the big head! Audiotape your sexcapades instead of videotaping them for better piece of mind and for an even better piece of ass! And don’t forget when you are audiotaping your sexcapades remember to:

-Laugh low-down and dirty in your Orlando vacation home rental!

-Sing the national anthem! -Engage in “baby talk!”

-Use noisy sex toys! -

-Tell erotic stories!

-Slurp and say “mmm mmm good!” while performing oral sex!

-Moan and groan loudly!

-Spank that ass before you tap that ass!

-Have fun!

-Be creative!

-Use your imagination!

-And do anything else to make your audiotape recordings of your lovemaking enjoyable and memorable!

Sometimes I feel like I need an accountant or budgeting software to control my out of control spending when it comes to necessities like butter pecan ice cream, maple walnut ice cream, black olives, any kind of backless shoes, books by Mary Higgins Clark, cute clothes, etc. 

I hate budgeting!  Whoever invented that word obviously didn't have any fashion sense, good taste in books and had a lousy palate.  

P.S.  They also obviously had an abundance of body hair, had a lot of dandruff and had feet fungus. 

Kids bedding sure has come a long way baby since I was a kid! I remember going to departments stores back in the seventies and seeing kids bedding with pictures of Wonder Woman, the Bionic Woman, Snoopy & Woodstock, Charlie Brown, the Incredible Hulk, Spiderman and Superman. Nowadays I see kids bedding with pictures of Paris Hilton, Jessica Alba, Britney Spears and Angelina Jolie.

Kids bedding sure has come a long way baby! Unfortunately not for the better! But at least teenage boys have something to smile about!

Three Surefire Ways to Get Rid of a Bad Date, Fast!

Gals, have you ever been out on a first date with what you thought, at the time, was the man of your dreams?  For the first fifteen minutes of your first date, did you feel like you were the luckiest woman alive?  Did you feel like you were floating on air?  Then three hours later, you realize that the guy sitting across from you isn’t the man of your dreams, but just another loser in a long line of them that you always seem to attract.  To make matters worse, at the beginning of the date you invited him to come back to your place for coffee.  Now what do you do!  Gals, relax because help is here.  Below are three surefire ways to get rid of a bad date fast. 

To read more of this article, click on Dating Tips at the Datechest Blog.

Dear Knowledgeable: I've known "Anita" for 10 years and thought we were close. But eight months ago, I started a small business selling handcrafted jewelry, and last week, Anita informed me that she is going to start selling handcrafted jewelry, too. I am fuming that this so-called "friend" would go into competition with me. Please advise me. -- Not Pleased in North Dakota

If you were to have a sleepover with some of your thirty-something friends in addition to pigging-out on cheesecake and double-fudge chocolate icecream, freezing your mother's best pair of gynormous granny panties and taking out the pom-poms and dancing around to Toni Basil's 1980's classic cheerleader song, Mickey you could also go outside and skip rope while singing "Cinderella, dressed in yellow, went upstairs to kiss her fellow, she made a mistake and kissed a snake, how many doctors will it take 1-2-3-4-5."

DILEMMA: What if after the fifth doctor, the jump rope suddenly breaks, what are a bunch of drunk out of their mind thirty-something women trying to re-live their childhood to do?

SOLUTION: The answer is not only easy breezy but sooo 2007. Simply go into the house and disconnect your computer's network cables and use them to jump rope with. Easy breezy! For more fun, sneak into your neighbor's house and borrow some of their network cables so you and your friends can double dutch jump rope! And don't forget to toilet paper the outside of your neighbor's house, put toothpaste all over their toilet seats and put shaving cream into their Cool Whip container.

What does "I'm kinda' on pins and needles right now" mean?

Name of Comedy Short: